"Any time I'm naked with Kelly is always fun!"

What's the film about?
I come to London and I become a success overnight, I become a billionaire. Suddenly, Kelly Brook's interested, she's a gold digger. I forget about me girlfriend who has been kidnapped by Evil Steve. Everyone's called Evil Steve or Nice Terry, a little bit like Mister Men. I don't want you to think too much I want you to go there, enjoy it, laugh hopefully and cry and go 'awww, innit nice?'

What's Kelly Brook like?
Lovely! She is one of the funniest women I've ever met and I think no one knows that. She is such a good sport and she doesn't care, she threw herself into it. The first day filming I'm dry humping her on the floor doing what I call a parrot kiss (demonstrates rolled tongue flicking in and out of mouth) and I didn't even know her so it was a bit off.

Kelly Brook dazzles on the Cannes red carpet
Pete Doherty appears at Cannes

How many characters do you play in the film?
I play another character in the film but you won't recognise me. It's four hours of make-up. I play the nemesis. I've got black hair, I'm a bit fat, I've got glasses and I'm a Geordie person. I've got false teeth in as well. When you do that it helps you sound more Geordie.

Are there any surprises in the film?
The surprise I think you'll find is the heart. I showed the rough cut to my mum and she said oh innit lovely and that's what Kelly said first cut she saw. Where on Celebrity Juice you see me just giving Holly and Fern grief you see me more as a person. It's been a big learning curve cos I've never done acting proper like that. People think it might be like Borat or something or Inbetweeners - that did well didn't it? I've shown friends bits and they've been oh so it's a proper film then? I was like, what did you think it were gonna be?

What was your favourite bit of filming?
Any time I'm naked with Kelly Brook was always fun. I can remember one time - this one time at band camp! - I spent two days on the floor covered in blood I said I'm not sure about doing films, why does it take so long? Why? I still don't know why now.

Will there be a sequel?
If people go see this I expect we will yeah. I've already got it in my head what the sequel is and I 100 per cent kill a dragon. This is set in the hyper real world and the next one will be even more hyper. Real.

Why is it hyper-real?
Just the fact that I become a billionare overnight and I buy a lot of things, skyscrapers and such, and it takes six weeks to buy a sofa doesn't it?

Which real life entrepreneurs do you admire?
Richard Branson. I met him at V festival. I said can I have a photo with you and everyone was laughing and he were, 'why is everyone laughing?' and I was like - don't you really know why? I don't think he knew who I was. He does know now.

How do you know?
Because of a secret thing. A secret plan that's not happened yet.

Which celebs do you think are too wrapped up in their own hype?
I've met a few people on the journey up, they became a bit funny and it hasn't been so good for them and they've come back down it's probably made them better people. Someone like Peter Andre who was on Lemonade a couple of weeks ago, he says I've had it and lost it, I've got it back he's a right humble lovely man. He tells the shittest jokes I've ever heard in me life but he's one of the loveliest men I've ever met.

Would you ever got to Hollywood?
Yeah but they probably won't understand what I'm saying. They'd go, 'Hey, are you Scottish?'

Kelly Brook dazzles on the Cannes red carpet
Pete Doherty appears at Cannes